Basic Communication Tips That Can Save Your Relationship

When couples come to me that are bickering and stuck in conflict, I often offer them relationship advice in the form of basic communication tips. These are not only generally useful, but can often be the savior of the relationship.

First, let's address expression versus suppression. Put simply, tell your partner how you are feeling. Holding in stressful emotions can literally manifest itself in physical ailments, so do not avoid or indefinitely postpone anything that needs to be discussed. If you are angry, for example, holding in your feelings today can lead to a potential explosion tomorrow. As a result, you may end up having an outburst over something relatively small and trivial because of the emotional pressure cooker that is created when you bottle up your true emotions. When that occurs, not only are the issues still not resolved, but more problems get created.

Anger Management

Second, recognize the difference between feelings and behavior, and try to focus on your feelings and not your partner's behavior. For example, if your partner did something which hurt you, tell them about how it made you feel rather than harp on what they did wrong. This approach is far more effective in engaging partners because it helps them become less defensive and listen more to your concerns. Years of giving relationship advice has taught me that one thing is certain: If you list a litany of your partner's negative behaviors you are much more likely to engender a very negative response. In other words, don't make a case against your partner, simply tell them how their behavior makes you feel.

Basic Communication Tips That Can Save Your Relationship

I can hear some of you saying, "Your relationship advice is all fine and dandy, but what if someone has a difficult time expressing how they feel?" My experience as a counselor has taught me that many people legitimately have trouble expressing their emotions. After all, talking openly about our feelings leaves us at risk for possible criticism or rejection. On the plus side, however, it can deepen your love and relationship! Therefore, try to trust your loving partner, because if you can't communicate with them, then who? As long as a sincere effort is made to communicate by the "stuck" partner, albeit slowly at first, then that is usually sufficient to bolster the relationship. For you shy folks out there who may have trouble opening up, try emphasizing substance over style. You don't have to be the William Shakespeare of emotional expression; the simple, direct approach is just as effective.

In addition, remember to stick to one issue at a time. Try not to respond to your partner's constructive criticism with defensive statements such as "Oh yeah, well you're no prize either!" Such defensive responses have nothing to do with the initial point and ultimately block effective communication. Remember: While engaged in a discussion or debate, do not bring up something unrelated to the topic at hand. This is a VERY common logical fallacy called a Red Herring argument. Sadly, many partners and even citizens are often duped by these illogical connections. I can't emphasize this enough, stick to the topic under discussion.

Also, be aware that there is a big difference between being assertive and "nagging." Being assertive means offering a solution. Emphasize that you are coming from a helpful place, and want to work together to create a better union. Nagging, on the other hand, usually involves pointing out "cracks" in your partner and relationship, which has the effect of pushing your partner away. Now that you know the pivotal difference, use this understanding to enhance loving communication.

Additional tips to keep in mind: How you engage in the discussion helps what you are actually saying. Therefore, sit next to your partner, hold their hand, talk in a comfortable place. By combining some sensitivity with your gentle assertiveness, remember that your goal is not to "Win" an argument, but to grow closer.

Take if from me: When you're engaging in a dialog, no matter how serious, if you're coming from a loving place then it can only bring you closer together. This can be considered sage relationship advice, but it has more to do with simple common sense and treating others how we wish to be treated.

Basic Communication Tips That Can Save Your Relationship

Dr. Kensington specializes in couples and marital therapy. Her free marriage and relationship guide can be found at www.tips-for-marriage.com.

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