Coping with Change: Develop Your Personal Strategy

Why do we resist change?

As the saying goes, the only people who like change are busy cashiers and wet babies. We find change disorienting, creating within us an anxiety similar to culture shock, the unease visitors to an alien land feel because of the absence of the familiar cues they took for granted back home. With an established routine, we don't have to think! And thinking is hard work.

Change is a business fact of life

Coping with Change: Develop Your Personal Strategy

Is your company is currently undergoing major changes that will affect the lives of all of its employees? These changes are probably in response to the evolving needs of your customers. They are made possible because of improvements in telecommunications and digital technology. They are likely guided by accepted principles and practices of total quality management. And you can expect that they will result in significant improvements profitability--a success that all employees will share. Because our customers' needs are NOW, we must make changes swiftly, which means that all of us must cooperate with the changes, rather than resist them.

How do we resist change?

We tend to respond to change the same way we respond to anything we perceive as a threat: by flight or fight. Our first reaction is flight--we try to avoid change if we can. We do what futurist Faith Popcorn calls "cocooning": we seal ourselves off from those around us and try to ignore what is happening. This can happen in the workplace just by being passive. We don't volunteer for teams or committees; we don't make suggestions, ask questions, or offer constructive criticism. But the changes ahead are inescapable. Those who "cocoon" themselves will be left behind.

Even worse is to fight, to actively resist change. Resistance tactics might include negativity, destructive criticism, and even sabotage. If this seldom happens at your company, you are fortunate.

Take a different approach to change

Rejecting both alternatives of flight or flight, we seek a better option--one that neither avoids change nor resists it, but harnesses and guides it.

Change can be the means to your goals, not a barrier to them.
Both fight and flight are reactions to perceiving change as a threat. But if we can change our perceptions, we can avoid those reactions. An old proverb goes, "Every change brings an opportunity." In other words, we must learn to see change as a means of achieving our goals, not a barrier preventing us from reaching them.

Another way of expressing the same thought is: A change in my external circumstances provides me with an opportunity to grow as a human being. The greater the change is, the greater and faster I can grow. If we can perceive change along these lines, we will find it exciting and energizing, rather than depressing and debilitating.

Yet this restructuring of our perspective on change can take some time. In fact, coping with change follows the same steps as the grieving process.1 The steps are shock and denial that the old routine must be left behind, then anger that change is inevitable, then despair and a longing for the old ways, eventually replaced by acceptance of the new and a brighter view of the future. Everyone works through this process; for some, the transition is lightning fast, for others painfully slow.

Realize your capacity to adapt.

As one writer put it recently:

Our foreparents lived through sea changes, upheavals so cataclysmic, so devastating we may never appreciate the fortitude and resilience required to survive them. The next time you feel resistant, think about them and about what they faced--and about what they fashioned from a fraction of the options we have. They blended old and new worlds, creating family, language, cuisine and new life-affirming rhythms, and they encouraged their children to keep on stepping toward an unknown but malleable future.2

Human beings are created remarkably flexible, capable of adapting to a wide variety of environments and situations. Realizing this can help you to embrace and guide change rather than resisting or avoiding it.

Develop a coping strategy based on who you are.

Corporate employees typically follow one of four decision-making styles: analytical, directive, conceptual, and behavioral. These four styles, described in a book by Alan J. Rowe and Richard O. Mason,3 have the following characteristics:
Analytical Style - technical, logical, careful, methodical, needs much data, likes order, enjoys problem-solving, enjoys structure, enjoys scientific study, and enjoys working alone. Conceptual Style - creative and artistic, future oriented, likes to brainstorm, wants independence, uses judgment, optimistic, uses ideas vs. data, looks at the big picture, rebellious and opinionated, and committed to principles or a vision. Behavioral Style - supportive of others, empathetic, wants affiliation, nurtures others, communicates easily, uses instinct, avoids stress, avoids conflict, relies on feelings instead of data, and enjoys team/group efforts. Directive Style - aggressive, acts rapidly, takes charge, persuasive and/or is manipulative, uses rules, needs power/status, impatient, productive, single-minded, and enjoys individual achievements.

Read once more through these descriptions and identify which style best describes you. Then find and study the strategy people who share your style follow to cope with change:

Analytical coping strategy - You see change as a challenging puzzle to be solved. You need plenty of time to gather information, analyze data, and draw conclusions. You will resist change if you are not given enough time to think it through. Conceptual coping strategy - You are interested in how change fits into the big picture. You want to be involved in defining what needs to change and why. You will resist change if you feel excluded from participating in the change process. Behavioral coping strategy - You want to know how everyone feels about the changes ahead. You work best when you know that the whole group is supportive of each other and that everyone champions the change process. If the change adversely affects someone in the group, you will perceive change as a crisis. Directive coping strategy - You want specifics on how the change will affect you and what your own role will be during the change process. If you know the rules of the change process and the desired outcome, you will act rapidly and aggressively to achieve change goals. You resist change if the rules or anticipated results are not clearly defined.

Realizing what our normal decision-making style is, can enable us to develop personal change-coping tactics.

How can we cope with change?

Getting at least this much comprehension of the big picture will help us to understand where each of us fits.

2. Do some anchoring. - When everything around you is in a state of flux, it sure helps to find something stable that isn't going to change, no matter what. Your company's values (whether articulated or not) can provide that kind of stability for you. Ours include the Company Family, Focus on the Customer, Be Committed to Quality, and Maintain Mutual Respect. These values are rock-solid; they are not going to disappear or rearrange themselves into something else. Plus, each of us has personal values that perhaps are even more significant and permanent. Such immovables can serve as anchors to help us ride out the storm.

3. Keep your expectations realistic. - A big part of taking control of the change you experience is to set your expectations. You can still maintain an optimistic outlook, but aim for what is realistically attainable. That way, the negatives that come along won't be so overwhelming, and the positives will be an adrenaline rush. Here are some examples:

Invest time and energy in training. Sharpen your skills so that you can meet the challenges ahead with confidence. If the training you need is not available through Bowne, get it somewhere else, such as the community college or adult education program in your area.

Get help when you need it. If you are confused or overwhelmed with the changes swirling around you, ask for help. Your supervisor, manager, or coworkers may be able to assist you in adjusting to the changes taking place. Your human resources department and any company-provided counseling services are other resources available to you.

Make sure the change does not compromise either your company values or your personal ones. If you are not careful, the technological advances jostling each other for your attention and adoption will tend to isolate you from personal contact with your coworkers and customers. E-mail, teleconference, voice-mail, and Intranet can make us more in touch with each other, or they can keep us antiseptically detached, removed from an awareness that the digital signals we are sending reach and influence another flesh-and-blood human being.

Aware of this tendency, we must actively counteract the drift in this direction by taking an interest in people and opening up ourselves to them in return. We have to remember to invest in people--all of those around us--not just in technology.

The "new normalcy"

Ultimately, we may discover that the current state of flux is permanent. After the events of September 11, Vice President Richard Cheney said we should accept the many resultant changes in daily life as permanent rather than temporary. "Think of them," he recommended, "as the 'new normalcy.'"

You should take the same approach to the changes happening at your workplace. These are not temporary adjustments until things get "back to normal." They are probably the "new normalcy" of your life as a company. The sooner you can accept that these changes are permanent, the better you can cope with them all--and enjoy their positive results.

Notes

1. Nancy J. Barger and Linda K. Kirby, The Challenge of Change in Organizations: Helping Employees Thrive in the New Frontier (Palo Alto, CA: Davies-Black Publ., 1995). This source is summarized in Mary M. Witherspoon, "Coping with Change," Women in Business 52, 3 (May/June 2000): 22-25.

2. Susan Taylor, "Embracing Change," Essence (Feb. 2002): 5.

3. Alan J. Rowe and Richard O. Mason, Managing with Style: A Guide to Understanding, Assessing and Improving Decision-Making (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Management Series, 1987) cited in Witherspoon, "Coping with Change."

4. Emily Friedman, "Creature Comforts," Health Forum Journal 42, 3 (May/June 1999): 8-11. Futurist John Naisbitt has addressed this tendency in his book, High tech/high touch: Technology and our search for meaning (New York: Random House, 1999). Naisbitt co-wrote this book with his daughter Nana Naisbitt and Douglas Philips.

Coping with Change: Develop Your Personal Strategy
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* * *

Copyright ©2006 Steve Singleton

Steve Singleton has written and edited several books and numerous articles. He has been an editor, reporter, and public relations consultant. He has taught college-level Greek, Bible, and religious studies courses and has taught seminars in 11 states and the Caribbean.

Go to his DeeperStudy.com for Bible study resources, no matter what your level of expertise. Explore "The Shallows," plumb "The Depths," or use the well-organized "Study Links" for original sources in English translation. Check out the DeeperStudy Bookstore for great e-books, free books, and great discounts. Subscribe to his free "DeeperStudy Newsletter" or "DeeperStudy Blog."

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The Four Types of Anger - All You Ever Wanted to Know About Anger (But Were Too Outraged to Ask!)

Anger comes from the Latin word, angere, which means "to strangle." Anger strangles us on a number of different levels. It is the emotion which is probably the most familiar to the majority of us. A consistent finding in those who have low self-esteem, migraines, ulcers, heart attacks, substance abuse problems, troubled work and interpersonal relationships and frequent job loss is that they are unable to master their anger. Rather than controlling their anger, their anger controls them. While anger is not the sole cause of these problems, the constant appearance of anger in such individuals indicates that it is a prime factor in all of these problems.

Too much anger is toxic. Anger and hostility result in dis-ease of all types. It is physically arousing and has damaging physiological correlates, such as increased heart rate, more cortisol (a stress hormone) dumped into your system, muscle tension, headaches, decreased mental clarity and clogged arteries.

Anger signals the fact that something or someone has come between you and a desired goal of yours. It is a call to action. The goal may be as simple as trying to get home during rush hour. Yet, when another driver rudely cuts you off on the freeway, your anger rears its head.

The Four Types of Anger - All You Ever Wanted to Know About Anger (But Were Too Outraged to Ask!)

The emotion anger is frequently confused with the actions you take while angry. This doesn't happen with fear. You don't confuse the emotion fear with the act of running away. However, anger is nearly always thought to be negative and destructive, despite the fact that anger itself is merely a feeling. Anger, in and of itself, if not acted upon, is instructive, not destructive. Anger can be a good thing. However, for anger to be positive, you must first learn to manage your emotions. Then you have a choice as to how to respond to anger's signal.

Four Types of Anger

To alleviate some of this confusion around anger, allow me to better acquaint you with the various types of anger. There are at least four types of anger of which we know: anger directed at self, anger directed at others, disappointment, and constructive anger.

1. Anger at Self

The first type is anger directed inwardly at oneself. The anger sits inside and burns and festers. After enough anger has been turned inward, it eventually leads to inappropriate angry outbursts at undeserving and unsuspecting people. Studies show that most people turn 90% of their anger inwards at themselves. Most of this anger is an attempt to control and contain the frightening emotion of anger. Anger can lead us to rage-filled, uncontrollable behaviors. Rather than feel the anger, honoring the feeling, and releasing it, most of us bottle it up. This stuffed anger is toxic and leads to all sorts of negative health outcomes. It also leads to displaced anger where you get angry with the wrong person, at the wrong time, and to the wrong degree.

2. Anger at Other

A second type of anger is directed outward. This type of anger builds upon itself and can frequently lead to rage. This form of outward-directed anger is typically displaced onto the wrong person, at the wrong time and in the wrong manner.

Both of the first two types of anger are destructive. Destructive anger includes anger that is directed inward and never released and anger that is inappropriately directed outward at others. Anger directed at others may be inappropriate in terms of its target (Are you directing your anger at the right person?), its intensity (Is the degree of anger in keeping with the offense?), its timing (Is this the best time to make your anger known?), and the manner in which it is communicated (Is this the best way to communicate my anger?).

3. Disappointment

The third type of anger exists in tandem with sadness and most closely resembles disappointment. Disappointment usually involves a judgment that has not been met. Judgments cause trouble for everyone. Judgments usually involve an element of moral superiority, as if you know what is best for someone else. Stay away from judgments.

4. Constructive Anger

The final type of anger is the type used as a positive motivator to act to remove an obstacle that is preventing you from reaching a goal. This type of anger can be a constructive anger, that is, an anger that is quickly released and prompts you to act in a positive manner to remove the obstacle from your path.

Constructive anger actually provides you with a persistent attitude which enables you to push forward to solve a given problem. These four types of anger have been demonstrated via several methods - reports from subjects in scientific studies, physiological evidence, and behavioral data. When increasing your emotional awareness, part of the task is to learn the variety of subtle emotional differences within one family of emotion. The better equipped we are to make subtle differentiations within an emotion, such as anger, the better able you are to share with others the degree of feeling you are currently experiencing. With that in mind, let us turn to the bodily cues that anger provides us.

Physiological Cues of Anger

In order to stop the cycle of anger, you have to tune in to the early warning signs. So pay attention! When you begin to feel angry, blood flows to your hands and feet, making it easier to strike at your perceived enemy, your heart rate increases, a rush of adrenaline kicks in and your body prepares for forceful action. Anger causes a surge of chemicals (catecholamines) which creates a quick, one-time rush of energy to allow for one brief shot at physical action. Meanwhile, in the background, another batch of chemicals, including cortisol, is released through the adrenocortical branch into the nervous system that creates a backdrop of physical readiness. This emotional undertone lasts much longer than the initial one-time surge and can last for days. This undertone keeps the brain in a special state of overarousal building a foundation on which reactions can occur with great speed.

Compassion as the Antidote to Anger

If you want to reduce your anger, think of the universe as compassionate and nurturing. As such it is designed to reward compassionate, nurturing behaviors in individuals. Compassion transcends both natural human sympathy and normal Christian concern, enabling one to sense in others a wide range of emotions and then provide a supportive foundation of caring. Compassion occurs when a person is moved by the suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve it. Compassion is empathy, not sympathy. It is the identification with and the understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. This ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes serves as the perfect antidote to anger in which one perceives an obstruction to one's goals.

The goal is to understand the situation from the perspective of the other person. Often this involves interpreting the situation with a large degree of grace. For example, I am driving 75 miles per hour in the fast lane. A car comes up behind me doing 100 mph. The driver comes inches from my rear bumper in a desperate attempt to get me to move aside. At this point, my former interpretation was "That idiot! What does he think he's doing? I'm going 75! I'll show him." And then I let off the gas to slow down ever so slightly. My current interpretation is "He's probably trying to get to the emergency room. Perhaps there has been an accident." And I change lanes and let him by. No anger.

You can learn to be less angry and, as a result, more happy. It takes time. It takes practice. It takes awareness. And it's worth every ounce of effort you put into it.

The Four Types of Anger - All You Ever Wanted to Know About Anger (But Were Too Outraged to Ask!)
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Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping people learn anger management, stress management and the latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. He also helps clients discover optimal human functioning via positive psychology. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. He is collaborating with the University of New Zealand on the International Wellbeing Study to look at what we do right and what make for a meaningful, thriving life. He consults with cutting-edge companies with novel technologies such as Resonance Technologies which has a unique method to quantify emotional reactions to products, change initiatives and leadership teams. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area. Dr. Schinnerer's areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, "Guide To Self: The Beginner's Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought," which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.

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What are the Goals of Anger Management?

Anger management has two main goals: 1) helping you reduce your anger emotions and 2) controlling the triggers of your anger and violence. It's important to know that you won't get cured, but you will be educated on how to control yourself. Many people take anger management as a solution. However, this can be misleading since you cannot become a different person if you don't choose to change. Some people will go to anger management classes because they have been ordered by the court to do so. Unfortunately, some will act like they saw the light when they are in fact simply playing a game.

These people who tend to twist things so that you always seem wrong and play mind games have a personality known as passive aggressive. Do you know a person who has that kind of personality? They can be calm, but at the same time enraged.

They can speak softly, but use a threatening tone that scares others. Of all the personalities, passive aggressive is the worst kind because with a passive aggressive person you never know what they will do next. Anything can set them off, so you will never know what to do or not to do and what to say or not to say. They may be violent both by words and by force. Passive aggressive people tend to convince others that everything is their fault and they often try to fool others.

What are the Goals of Anger Management?

If anger management will not cure a person, it will certainly show them the light. However, no one can force them to follow the rules. You have a choice: learn to control yourself and listen or block everything out. The first question you need to answer is how do you know if you need anger management? You won't be surprised to learn that passive aggressive people are the worst when it comes to voluntarily get anger management help. Passive aggressive people tend to try to control everything while aggressive people look at the physical need to enforce someone.

In management classes, the passive aggressive person doesn't have any control. This makes this person even worse and eventually blow up due to the lack of control. Usually, this is the kind of situation when their actions go from scary to frightening. However, if they are genuinely and really trying to manage their aggression, then anger management can work. Be careful however because these types of people can fool the best. In some extent, they are almost like pathological liars.

Can anger management be the solution for a passive aggressive person? Maybe. It depends on the attitudes of the person toward the classes. If they really want to change, these people will give all they've got to the class and make a conscious effort to improve. However, if they are being forced into the classes, like following a court order, it probably won't work because they don't want it to. One of the most difficult thing for a passive aggressive people is to give up control. There's no doubt that anger management is what they need. A class that specializes in passive aggressive behavior would be even more beneficial.

In an anger management class, it's easy to spot the passive aggressive people because they are bragging. In fact, if you brag in your speech about your behavior instead of feeling guilty there's a good chance you're a passive aggressive person. It won't take long for doctors in the management classes to pick out the passive aggressive behavior and they will pay very close attention to them because they know that they are unpredictable.

What are the Goals of Anger Management?
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Discover A Radically New Way To Beat Anger, WITHOUT Drugs and Without Therapy. Visit our brand new website on Anger Management [http://anger-management.nathlaf.com] and sign up to receive free articles that will help you manage your anger.

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What is Tapping Therapy?

Tapping Therapy, sometimes also known as EFT, uses the ancient principles of Chinese acupuncture to address your feelings (especially the negative feelings) about issues you experience on a regular basis. For example: fears and phobias, sadness, anger, disappointment, frustration, or nearly anything that interferes with your serenity.

This is such a simple technique, that even a young child may be easily taught to use it efficiently.

Based on the use of meridian energy points on the face, body, and hands, but without the acupuncture needles, tapping therapy accesses the emotional "memories" in your body. By physically touching the meridian points affected, while gently exploring negative feelings and memories, EFT tapping allows the release of that negative energy.

What is Tapping Therapy?

Then, new, more positive feelings may be set into place.

Tapping therapy has been known to help, and in some cases, totally do away with emotional and even physical challenges. It is commonly used to enhance athletic, business, and personal performance, increase prosperity, and for reducing undesirable behaviors, such as inappropriate food cravings.

You can use this tapping method to address such physical issues as weight loss, allergies, blood pressure, and pain management. Even supposedly incurables like Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Muscular Dystrophy, Parkinson's disease, Diabetes, and Cancer may be helped.

EFT therapy is available to everyone. It requires no special equipment, doesn't involve the use of any drugs, and may be practiced anywhere. It can be used to help yourself or others, it's painless, and its applications appear to be limited only by your imagination.

What is Tapping Therapy?
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You can even download the "how to" book at no charge at the Gary Craig web site.

There is probably nothing that can't be improved with tapping therapy, so what's holding you back? Start tapping today.

As a naturopathic practitioner, Sherri Stockman often uses EFT tapping therapy with her clients. For more on EFT and other natural therapies, please visit her site at http://PersonalWellnessConsultant.com

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How to Identify Bad Classroom Management

Bad classroom management is a phase that every teacher tries to avoid. This simply implies that you are ineffective as a teacher. In one way or another, mentors often experience incompetence issues. After all, class management is a skill that can't be taught and digested in a single day. It is watered by years of experience.

Even seasoned teachers still exprience bad classroom management. For one, this procedure is not universal in scope. You can't apply a single methodology to all of your classes over the years. Much more, it is also a trial and error process so as to find out the right management procedure.

Perhaps the question here is, how do we really identify that our classroom methodology is not effective? Is there such a thing as bad classroom management? What are the signs of such? Here are the things that we need to note and observe.

How to Identify Bad Classroom Management

Sign #1: Uncontained noise. This is the first symptom of a bad classroom management. As a teacher silence must be implemented to obtain order. However, if you can't implement such and you can't get a hold of your students, then there is definitely something wrong with your management. Students have the right to talk only during breaks or if given the privilege. But if you are having a lecture and students are talking, your lecture delivery may be ineffective.

Sign #2: Disrespecting students. The thing that draws between students and teacher is respect. With such a trait, this will make the classroom harmonious. But without it, chaos and quarrel will definitely emerge. If during class you notice that one of your students is no longer following you or perhaps challenging your stance, it is a clear indication that what you are implementing in the classroom is not good. You need to find a way or ways on how to win their respect back and how to put them in the place where they belong.

Sign #3: Disorganization of the classroom. This sign covers almost anything in the class. One of which is formal lecture flow. If you think you are jumping from one topic to another without any direction, this is one clear indication. Another one is cleanliness and tidiness in the classroom. If your room is filled with clutter without even a student picking, then your students don't have any respect to their second home. It is a must to inculcate cleanliness even if your school has a janitor.

The important thing here is to set out your rules and regulations in the classroom. As a teacher you need to ensure that these must be followed accordingly. And as such you yourself must also be the first one to implement it inside. Teachers are not only there to teach, but also to manage a classroom. So as to avoid bad classroom management, be mindful of these signs and take immediate action once experienced and seen.

How to Identify Bad Classroom Management
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Do you want to know how to identify bad classroom management? In http://www.teachersbusiness.com/ we offer you the top three signs that affirms whether your classroom management works.

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Relationship Help for Women: Anger Management

I know what I instinctively do when I get angry. I sit on it.

I want to think about it. I want to think about what to do with it. If the person who just said or did something that got my anger started, especially if it's my husband or my daughter, I most especially stuff it down until I can figure out what to say. Often the moment gets lost entirely. I find myself grumpy or tense ten minutes later, ruminating on my anger like a cow chewing cud, and my opportunity to express myself feels lost forever.

Not so. What I'm describing here, it seems, is me beating myself up because I didn't know what to do with the anger I was feeling. What's sometimes worse is when my husband is angry. At me.

Relationship Help for Women: Anger Management

I can handle his anger if it's towards others. I get behind him, confirm his righteous indignation, his enemy is my enemy. I'm a great team player. So where am I when he's angry at me? What team am I on?

The first split second I feel his coolness, I'm on team Rori. I get my back up, I protect my back, I face off. I'm the star goalie, defender of Rori, no angry words could possibly hurt me, I never, ever, ever did anything wrong. Or I did everything wrong. I bounce from anger at him for being angry with me to anger at myself for causing such unbearable conflict. I blame myself for severing love, even for this moment. It doesn't occur to me until sometimes hours later that acting as if I'm on team Our Relationship would not only be better for the relationship, but for me, too. All I need to do is share my anger.

We all know from reading every book on communication ever written that we're supposed to communicate in "I feel" messages, not "You did" messages. And yet -- How do you do that? Most of us don't even know what that looks like, much less how to get the words out. Not one woman (including me) that I've met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies. Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in "I feel" messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!

Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hear.

One of the emotions we women have the most trouble with is anger, and anger is also the emotion we often seem to have the most of! We are all angry a good part of the time. Perhaps it's disappointment, or irritation, or pure rage. Some of us have gotten seriously sick trying to hold in so much anger. Some of us can only attract men who offend us, who make us angry, because we are so angry.

Putting a smiley face on our anger just makes it all worse, because on top of the authentic angry inferno anyone who stands next to us can sense (no matter how dense we think they are) we're adding the disrespect of trying to hide it from them. We're pretending it's not even there -- though it's like a great big elephant sticking out of our chests. That angry elephant trumpets through our words no matter how hard we try to disguise it. When we pretend, we appear at best like automatons, at worst like liars. We can seem completely out of touch with ourselves and at the same time complain about how men can't get in touch with their feelings!

So, what to do?

1. Agree that anger, even murderous rage, is just a feeling. It's just energy. And it's most likely covering pain. Because anger truly does feel better than pain, it's a very worthwhile and helpful emotion.

2. Admit to ourselves that what we're feeling is anger, and that it belongs to us, not to the man across the dinner table. Admit that it most likely has absolutely nothing to do with that man across the table. It may be anger from the last relationship, the last two dozen relationships, or our relationships with our parents. And then admit that if it is about the man across the table, and he's said or done something clearly hurtful, you not only don't have to tolerate it -- you can handle the next step!. Which is:

3. Share it. This is not about venting, getting it out, or "communicating." It's about sharing your feeling state in order to both keep yourself healthy and deepen your relationship with another human being. Say "I'm feeling angry". Period. If he asks you why -- say "I feel really angry. And hurt. And now I'm feeling confused. And now I feel a little silly even telling you". Or "Ouch -- that really hurt -- it feels terrible". (Notice I didn't say "You made me feel terrible" or "That makes me feel terrible", I just said "I feel terrible".) It may seem like a little thing, and yet my work is based on the idea that these little things add up to big things, and then pretty soon your life has changed for the better and you've already lived through all those big changes that right now seem so terrifying.

Learn how to go a few rounds with him, responding in the moment -- even if it gets to you screaming "Now I'm so angry I feel like hitting you! I don't want to be here anymore!" and leaving the space.

If you have to do this a lot, you may want to look at why you've chosen to stick around with this man at all -- which brings us right back to the question of why we hide the stuff in the first place. Is it because we're afraid to look at what's really going on in the relationship, what's really going on in our hearts?

I know it seems too simplistic to just share your feeling state. We want to explain, to help him understand. Actually, we just want to slap him around. We want to punish him. And that gets us, and the relationship, nowhere.

So where does all this sharing of feelings get us? Every single woman I've taught to do this (including myself) has told me that it shifts the conversation. It shifts the entire relationship. Where there was once tension and a feeling of detachment, there's now a feeling of play and connection. Sharing our feeling state is an outrageous act of bravery. Any man in the room can see that.

And any man can feel the utter authenticity and vulnerability of it. Any man can feel how much you must trust and respect him to be able to open up like that, without attacking him. Without so much as mentioning his name. And any woman who does this, even a little, experiences a freeing up inside.

All of a sudden all the pretense goes away, and the fear of dropping the pretense goes away. All of a sudden the need to defend, the need to be guarded goes away, and the fear of dropping our guard goes away. There's suddenly nothing between you and your man. He can feel it. You can feel it.

Where it goes from there is out of your hands. And that, once you get used to it, is liberating. It opens the door and parts the curtain and gives you the chance to really let love walk in. And then it does.

Relationship Help for Women: Anger Management
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In her packed Los Angeles workshops, relationship coach, author, speaker and seminar leader Rori Gwynne teaches women the completely original, controversial, simple-to-do techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own now-glorious eighteen-year marriage around.

Visit Rori at http://www.CoachRori.com to get free Tip Sheets, to sign up for the free, powerful CoachRori Newsletter, and to see how Rori can help you Turn the Relationship You Have Into the Relationship you Want.

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Increase The Outcome Odds In Your Favor

Many times in life, I've seen people get angry and upset over an event that happened. This event could be anything; a remark that someone made or an incident that occurred or even just a feeling that one may have at a particular time, triggered by another event.

For example, many years ago, I had a boss who came into the office with a red face, obviously angry over something. He walked right into his office, slammed the door and kept himself locked in till lunch. Nobody dared disturb him and everyone worked in apprehension as to what will happen next if he should walk out of the room. Will be bark at someone? Will he find something to throw his anger at? His "foul mood" had affected the mood of the office environment as well. At lunch, he went out and never came back till the next day. A few days later, when all seemed to have cooled down, a colleague asked his secretary what happened. Apparently, he had an argument with the contractor who was building his house in the morning before coming into the office, and allowed his anger and disappointment to get the better of him.

In another incident, a female colleague came to the office, looking very downcast. All day, she was not very responsive and it affected the mood of the office as she was the "livewire" of the office. We found out later, that she had receive news that a good childhood friend was hospitalized with a serious illness.

Increase The Outcome Odds In Your Favor

We all have seen these incidents, and some of us may have been the "victims" of some of these as well. Many times, we justify our anger, sadness etc... by saying, "He/She should not have said (or done) this!" I'm also sure that when the incident was over, we'd all look back at the incident to realize the folly of our behavior and see how it had affected not just ourselves but also others in our vicinity.

What we need to realize here is that how we feel about a particular incident (referred to as the "outcome" here) is mostly defined by the equation, Event x Response = Outcome. We often blame the "Event" for our "Outcome" but in reality, most of our "Outcome" is really defined by how we "Respond" to the "Event".

Let's look at a hypothetical event that could happen in real life. Let's imagine we are in a classroom and Mrs Brown picks on John in class and said, "John, your report was not very good. I would like you to come to my office after school and we will spend the afternoon going through your report". How do you think John's self-esteem will be affected? Well, in most cases, most people would think that John's self-esteem will be affected negatively for being singled out in class because that is how most of us were programmed to think! Well, let's take a look at how John can respond.

Firstly, if John is like most people, he can choose to see that the teacher dislikes him and his report and chose to pick on him and embarrass him in class. If he responds this way, his self-esteem will definitely be affected negatively.

Alternatively, John could choose to see that his teacher does not fully understand the subject he is writing about in his report because it is a topic that is too profound for most people. He makes up his mind to tell his teacher, Mrs Brown, that. In this case, his self-esteem will not be affected.

Finally, John could choose to think this, "There are so many students in class writing about a similar topic and Mrs Brown chose to pick on me. I think she likes me!" If John responds this way, his self-esteem could actually be elevated.

You can see from the example above that the "Outcome" (in this case, John's Self-Esteem), is affected differently just by how he chooses to respond. While this is a hypothetical event, similar events replay themselves everyday in real life on different people; a child spilled his drink on your favorite dress, a guest made a remark about your poor taste in dressing, you lost something valuable etc...

Just last week, a friend lost her favorite wallet. I expected her to be upset but instead she said, "Oh well, while it is valuable, it's also old and maybe it's time to buy a new one!". What an awesome example of managing our "Response" to tilt the "Outcome" in your favor.

Life "throws" you many things everyday. When life throws you a "Lemon", instead of wincing at the sourness of the lemon, chose to make lemonade instead!

Increase The Outcome Odds In Your Favor
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C.H. Seet is the author of the blog, Ezinspirations (http://www.ezinspirations.com/blog). He has a Bachelors degree in Electrical Engineering and a Masters in Business Administration and has a successful career spanning more than 2 decades. C.H. started as a Sales Engineer in Hewlett Packard and then moved on to become Product Marketing Manager in Rockwell Automation. He now heads a German multi-national located in Singapore and overlooks the whole SE Asian region.

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